Thursday, 7 January 2010

Things That Piss Me The Fuck Off, Part 1

I'm a little bored, it's a bit late, what better than a rant on Facebook? Things piss me off, I enjoy ranting about things that piss me off, and instead of just giving Will an earful on MSN I figure I might as well shove my thoughts onto everyone.
75% of people reading this are going to agree with some of my points. 75% are also going to use them to annoy me because they're evil bastards.
Part 1 because lots of things piss me off and I can't think of all of them in one go. Feel free to add your own in comments as well.


1. Using "literally" when actually speaking metaphorically

First off the bat, people using words when they don't actually mean what they mean. For example, "oh man, Steven Gerrard was literally on fire last night for Liverpool". While I'm sure Stevie G had a good match (though not last night - the whole team was utter shit against Fiorentina), he did not cover himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He was not literally on fire, as may have been suggested. Literally means something actually happened. It is not a word that puts extra weight on what ever phrase comes after it, and it's annoying as hell when people use it when they don't actually mean something literally happened.
What makes it extra annoying is that almost all instances of misuse are purely superfluous. Take the word "literally" out and the sentence would still get whatever point it was making across perfectly fine.

This bitch can also be extended to overuse of "officially". What is the bureaucratic organisation that decides when people have "officially" finished all their homework or whatever.


2. Statements that do nothing other than provoke a desired question

If you want to tell people about shit, just fucking do it. Don't make a vague and deliberately ambiguous statement just so people can ask you to clarify and you can then go on a whole spiel that you've clearly been bursting to say. Don't say "gah, this is so annoying" and then fucking wait for people to go "what is?" before you explain. Cut the shit and just come out with it rather than making such retarded statements to raise interest before telling people. Either people care or they don't, there's no need to play on curiosity to make them.


3. People who walk slowly in the street and are oblivious to everyone around them

Especially if they're fat or are a group of people walking two or three abreast. And especially if they're on Regent Street in Cambridge around Wagamama/Nando's where the pavement is narrow as fuck and it's only two people wide. I walk quickly, but not massively fast. Some people just walk so fucking slowly though, and seemingly do whatever they can to make it hard for you to get past without being aware of it.

And on the subject of slow people in public...


4. Old people shopping

In supermarkets especially I just find old people annoying as hell. They're slow and in the way almost constantly. Working in a supermarket they were the most awkward customers to negotiate around. Some people who are standing where you want to be will move in maybe twenty seconds once they've found the item they want, so it's OK to wait. Pensioners however can be there for ten minutes at least struggling to read everything in the damn shop.
They should also ban anyone over the age of 60 from using self-service checkouts. When I need a staff member to put her card into the machine to verify I'm over 18 to buy alcohol, I would like assistance pretty quickly and not have to wait five minutes for her to explain to some OAP how to use a touch-screen. The desire to get to grips with new technology is admirable, but the whole point of self-service machines is that they're fast if you're only getting a couple of items. And old people plus technology can never equal fast.
I acknowledge that old people need to buy food and things, but they should be able to be slow and obstructive in their own time. We should create a supermarket specifically for OAPs. With specifically wide aisles for the zimmer frames and those weird bag-on-wheel things they have with them. Also with large writing on the packaging so they don't need to put it two centimetres away from their face for five minutes to read what it says.
Or ban retired people from shopping on weekends. They have a choice of seven days of the week to go shopping, there's no need for them to be out slowing everything down in the two days that the rest of the world gets to buy things they need.


5. People who have no idea what they're talking about but still talk about it

I actually blame the media for this one. Sky and the BBC have all these shows and "voice your opinion" segments to lead the unwashed masses into thinking that what they say does actually matter. In a pub, anything goes. You can say what the fuck you want in a pub and nobody has to take it seriously because you're a guy in a pub, and therefore as reliable a source of information as The Sun or your best friend's cousin's cleaner who has a sister who knows Torres's agent and says he's definitely going to Man Utd in the summer transfer window.
However, outside of the pub scenario, when you do not know the slightest fucking thing about the risks of nuclear power, the environment, religion (claiming to be Christian does not make you an authority on the Bible if you've not actually read it), swine flu or whatever else happens to be topical right now, you don't say anything about it. Before you join in a conversation, consider if you actually have anything informed to actually say and contribute.
I could also extend this to people who make comments on things which are not necessarily uninformed, but still retarded. People complaining that the BBC coverage of the Leeds/Reading festivals only actually had footage from Reading. Why the fuck is that a complaint when they have the SAME FUCKING BANDS. There are people (including me) legitimately complaining that bands like Rise Against and Billy Talent got no air time whatsoever, despite headlining the 3rd largest stage at both festivals, and other people who would apparently like to see any increase in coverage being used to bring us two near-identical sets from the bands who already get shown.

6. People who tag me in shit on Facebook that I'm not actually in

With pictures it can sometimes be quite funny if I'm being tagged as something. My main issue is actually with these fucking note things. People will talk about something that I have nothing to do with whatsoever, tag everyone they fucking know, including me, and then I'll receive notifications and emails every fucking time someone comments on it. If you write a note, and you mention me by name or it's some enlightening discussion you know I'll be interested in, fair enough. If you're just fucking filling in one of those asshole quizzes that get around, then don't fucking tag me. I don't care if the instructions tell you to tag all your friends, I don't give a shit about the questionnaire and your answers generated using iTunes on shuffle. I give even less of a shit about all the "lol!1!" comments that will subsequently bombard my inbox.


7. People who start conversations with me on MSN but expect me to actually start the conversation

If I want to talk to you, I'll do that. If you want to talk to me, do that. Don't say hi to me, let me give a reciprocal hi, and then shut up. That's just a completely pointless thing to do. If you say hi first, the responsibility to provide a topic of discussion or start the conversation is yours, not mine.


8. People who talk to me on Facebook chat when they have me on MSN

Facebook chat is shit. Half the time it refuses to send what I say because the connection is crap, and I'm totally useless at keeping the window open. MSN works way better (you know, seeing as it's designed to be an IM client), and if you have my MSN then bloody use it. It's rare that I just keep facebook open, so if you're talking to me it's likely that really I was just quickly browsing and you've done the internet equivalent of stopping me while I'm in the middle of going somewhere. Not that I don't people who talk to me on it (don't stop plx) if I only speak to them now and again or don't have them on MSN, but when people do it's like they're calling my mobile to talk to me when I'm stood right next to them. But with instant messaging.


9. Anyone who uses "Jesus" when they should use "God"

Anyone who is stupidly religious is going to annoy me. It's an unavoidable fact that at any time in which they mention or discuss religion, I'm going to be irritated. Good way to tell if someone is sensible religious (if that exists olololol) or batshit religious is if they tell me that "God loves me" or "Jesus loves me". Ignoring the connotations of the statement, I have found very few people who use "Jesus" in that situation who aren't Bible-loving redneck borderline-Creationists (or sometimes just outright Creationists).
It's not so much the use of the word "Jesus" itself that annoys me, though I think it does a little, but mostly the association I have with the people who use it like that. As in it's the people who use it that irritate me, not the usage itself.


10. tada

No rant with this one. You either know who he is and it's self explanatory, or you don't.

(I love you really tada. Well, not "love", but you're not that bad lately)

So yeah, comments and similar rants plx.

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