Thursday, 27 May 2010

When The Levee Breaks

Something snapped today. I don't quite think it was The Fear™, but there was a period late this afternoon when I realised I only had four and a bit days until the first exam, and stress kicked in. I've been two papers (about 6-8 hours work) behind schedule for fucking ages, and this evening I worked (hard) for five hours solid and I've cut that down to just a single paper behind. Hopefully by the end of tomorrow I'll be back up to speed.

It's really just a continuous battle between being slightly nervous about exams and complete apathy. There are points where I actually just don't care. I'd happily sit them tomorrow and get a poor mark because I'm not quite ready, because then at least they'd be over. It's not even the exams that are getting to me so much as the revision, or the feeling that I should be revising.

Also the feeling that perhaps my revision so far hasn't been that great. I don't know. It's probably because I've slipped back into the A-Level aiming-for-100% mindset, or because I've just not quite made the finishing touches to my revision (actually, I'm pretty sure it's this), but trying to go through papers without cribs is proving fairly difficult. I feel reasonably confident until I actually sit down with a paper in front of me.

I've also had the realisation that if things don't go well on Monday, then it's going to be a horrific week. Given that I have all eight of my exams in five consecutive days, I've basically got no time to correct things if it turns out I've not done enough revision. I've done the same amount of preparation (near enough) for each paper, so if I've not done enough for Paper 1, then I've not done enough for the other seven, and I'll have basically no time to change that. It's not a case of a poor Paper 1 scaring me into working hard for Paper 2, because Paper 2 is only a couple of hours later. I won't get a proper gap until Papers 5 and 6.

This blog entry probably makes me sound like I'm bricking it, and expecting to fail, but I'm not really. I think I just overestimate the difficulty behind getting a 2:1. I'm pretty sure I was at exactly the same sort of point last year, and I ended up being not far off a 1st, so really I should be expecting a similar result this year. Heck, if the questions are nice, the rest of the revision goes well and I'm switched on in the exam, I don't think a 1st is impossible.

Still, I won't know until I've taken the papers, and that just can't come soon enough. I'm not quite ready yet, but I'm just sick of waiting for them. I just want them over and done with, and then I can have three or four months where I don't have course work hanging over me, and I can just relax a little bit. In the mean time, maybe these points of going a little bit crazy aren't so bad, because it means I actually get some proper productive work done and bang out a few papers, rather than slowly dragging myself through them.

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