Monday, 24 January 2011

An Open Letter To Single, Nerdy Guys (Guest Post)

Disclaimer: aside from some minor editing and proof-reading, this post is not my own and is entirely the work of a friend of mine, Emma (aka Audia, and who won't let me post her surname). And yes, I'm perfectly aware that this post probably applies to me as well (lol). I don't imagine anyone would get offended or anything, but it still feels REALLY FUCKING STRANGE posting this.

This letter applies to specifically anyone who:

a) Is male and knows me via the interwebs (hell yes - that rules me out ~Rosti)
b) Doesn't currently have a girlfriend (and probably hasn't for a while, if ever)
c) Isn't so much of a ridiculous online recluse that they don't actually speak to any real girls at all - you guys are pretty much beyond help

But any nerd who qualifies for two out of three is probably good enough (ah shit... ~Rosti).

The inspiration and effort to write this mostly came about from a Skype conversation yesterday with Rosti, Daz and a couple of other people, where we got onto the subject of a certain SMBC strip from this week:


I guess the rest of the inspiration and effort would probably be from my muppet of a boyfriend, and his completely ham-fisted unintentional method of asking me out, which has been well publicised and viral on the internet (and you laugh Rosti, but you've not been much better). And the fact that I have a ton of single nerdy friends who all have perfectly decent (and even realistic!) candidates for girls they want to go out with, but none of them actually seem to have the ability to do anything more concrete than merely discuss to other people how they'd quite like to ask them out. They've mentally imagined and planned out their entire future with them, but won't actually make the first step into reality.

The problem with you guys is that you're usually way too shit-scared and cowardly to actually make the first move. Which is perfectly acceptable and normal, but doesn't change the fact that the chances of anything happening unless you overcome that fear is practically zero. Either you man up and do something about it, or you continue dreaming and hoping that maybe we'll make the first move, which is something that will almost never happen.

The thing is, us nerdy-girl-types aren't that different to you guys. We have self-esteem issues, fairly low confidence, and we have a tendency to overthink and overcomplicate things. Just as much as you guys do, if not more because we're women and to a large extent it's how we are. We have to face the exact same issues that you guys have when it comes to asking out a girl, except we're the female and so it gets magnified absolutely loads.

You can whine about it all you want, but the social convention is that the guy asks the girl out. It doesn't matter whether this is how things should be - all that matters is that it's how things generally are right now. So on top of all your insecurities and doubts over whether she'll say "yes" if you ask her out, we also have to deal with the extra huge worry of "if he wanted to go out with me, surely he'd have asked me already?". For a girl to ask a guy out not only requires the courage of making the first move, but also the confidence that the only reason that the guy hasn't made the first move already is because he's too much of a fraidy-cat, and not because he doesn't see you that way. Even in the best of scenarios, that's hardly a brilliant quality to ask the guy out on the back of.

So sure, you'd absolutely love it if your dream girl would solve your problem and ask you out instead, but if you're a shy, socially-awkward sort of guy, then chances are that your dream girl probably is too (unless she's way out of your league), and that she'll be just as bad, if not worse, when it comes to finding the confidence to ask you out.

I guess my main point would be that sometimes you guys just have to show some balls (use a little alcohol if you need to), swallow your fear and potentially your pride, and just go for it. It's not going to happen otherwise, and the longer you let it drag on the less likely it's going to happen, and the more likely you are to just end up in the ~friend zone~, and then you're buggered (and yes, they will talk to you about their current boyfriend, and whether he's an asshole or a perfectly decent guy, it'll be crappy for you either way).


The longer you leave it, the more and more we'll shun the idea that you're ever going to ask us out. It's not that we get bored or anything, it's just that we figure if you were ever going to do it, then you'd have done it by now. We move on (maybe we even come to the conclusion that you don't swing that way), and come to terms with the idea that it ain't happening. Even if you do ask us out then it'll most likely catch us totally off-guard and we won't be quite so sure what to make of it, and if someone else asks us out first then we probably won't keep waiting for you.

That's the other thing - you guys seem to overcomplicate it with this weird idea that we're all totally against the idea of dating anyone, especially not some bedraggled, socially-inept poindexter such as yourself. I'm not saying that we're all actually sex-obsessed and desperate for action (also not speaking for all girls either way here), but if we're single and have been for a while, then we're probably fairly open to the idea of going out with someone. Maybe not anyone, but if they seem decent enough and don't have horrific hygiene issues, then it'll probably be worth a date.

I mean, come on, worst case scenario is that he turns out to be a bit boring or a creep or whatever, and it was a bit of a waste of a lunch/evening and we had to pay for our own meal. It's not like we've got a huge amount to lose if we go out on a couple of dates and figure that maybe you're not the right person for us. Unless you're already in the aforementioned friend zone, which is another reason to make a move early.

Think about it nerd guys: if you'd been single for a while (or forever) and a not-unattractive, seemingly nice and intelligent girl asked you out on a date, would you turn her down? Hell, isn't that pretty much the exact bloody scenario that most of you crave for? Why the hell would any of us think that much differently?

You don't need to look like Johnny Depp or anything to ask a girl out - if you do then either your sights are too high, or she's a bitch and don't bother with her anyway. Just take a chance and go for it. It's not like you've got much to lose even if she rejects you, so long as she's not a good friend or someone you're going to be in regular forced contact with. If you don't have much to lose, then she probably doesn't either (so long as she's single - probably worth checking that first) and maybe something good might happen and you can finally stop whining about your floundering and unsuccessful love-life. Heck, even the worst-case scenario is that you get something a bit more concrete and less pathetic to complain about.

Though as a word of warning, if the answer is no, then leave it. Move on. Not taking no for an answer is even worse than not having the courage to get an answer in the first place. Use your new-found ability to ask girls out on someone else instead.

And I'm done. Again, I can't speak for all the girls in the world, and I'm no master of relationships (hence my current boyfriend), but I know more than enough nerdy guys (i.e. more than zero) to know where you all almost unanimously fail when it comes to girls and dating.

Yours faithfully/sincerely/lolwhatever,

Audia

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