So, in the last month or so I've begun the process of buying a flat. And have created this blog for two things. One is to vent, and the other (perhaps more useful) one is to maybe inform friends reading this, because as far as I know I'm the first person out of my closer friends to actually start buying a place rather than renting. And because I'd assume that they, like me, know basically fuck-all about what the hell it really entails.
I'm 23. I've been to a pretty good secondary school and one of the best universities in the world, and I didn't really know jack-shit about what the process for buying a house actually is. Because that's the kind of useful thing that you just never get taught at school. Ever. Not even like it was mentioned but fuck that shit it's in a general studies period so I don't need to go and can't be arsed. It's just not covered.
We get things like:
- Histograms - I swear nobody in the real world ever uses these except when they're just using the name to technically describe what everyone else would say is a regular bar-chart [for the record, I'm an engineer. I'm aware there's a technical difference], because a bar-chart where values actually depend on width as well as height and none of the columns are the same width just looks completely derp (though is at least better than keeping the bars the same width when the sample bins aren't the same size).
- The kind of literary devices you only see in artsy novels and poetry - probably not useful to most people. Especially unnecessarily when an annoyingly high proportion of people leaving school apparently don't understand the fucking difference between "their" and "they're", and "your" and "you're". Or that IT'S FUCKING "SHOULDN'T HAVE" NOT "SHOULDN'T OF".
- How Ox-bow lakes are formed. Like seriously, I distinctly remember learning this in primary school then early secondary school and then *again* in GCSE Geography. I've spent a fair share of time travelling around the UK and I've yet to actually consciously come across one to my own knowledge - I feel cheated at how rare these bloody things apparently actually are that I had to spend so much damn time learning over and over again how they come to be.
- Latin... OK that's probably more product of going to a public school.
- Anything to do with taxes. That stamp duty is a thing (relevant to the flat buying). What the fuck your P60 form is actually for. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm not self-employed and therefore as far as I know all my required taxes just come out of my salary automatically by some witchcraft stealing a good chunk of my money, then I'd have absolutely no fucking idea how much I owe or how to work it out.
- That homeopathy is complete bollocks and a complete waste of money and please people stop keeping these twats in business by buying power bracelets and magic water and other dumb shit.
- The highway code, so that people who haven't explicitly had driving lessons still have at least a vague idea of what the fuck they're doing and how traffic junctions work when they're twatting about on the road (or pavement) on a bicycle in Cambridge.
- How to write a CV that isn't complete shit. Or actually, how to write a CV at all. Until I got a solid guide from the university careers service about two years ago when I was seriously looking for jobs, my CV was absolutely fucking garbage. To the extent that when I got around to writing a decent one I actually had to start from scratch because it was too bad to re-forge my existing one into anything that would actually class as passable.
- How to tie a bloody bow tie. And I got a posh private education an' all.
- Everything that buying property entails, and how you get a mortgage past the fact that you get them from banks...
I will admit some responsibility here, because we do live in the world of the internet, and I didn't actually bother to really look much of this shit up. I've actually had the whole house/flat-buying plan for about 18 months ago - that I would rent a place for about a year to settle in with my job and confirm I do actually want to keep working there, and then I'd buy a place. Because as much as having to sell it off if I decide I want to move, renting is pretty shit financially. It's basically pissing away several hundred pounds a month just for the ability to live somewhere, compared to a mortgage where you're at least putting a solid chunk of that into personal equity. So yeah, I've had the best part of a year to research this, and I haven't, so can't place all the blame on schools.
Up until about a month ago, my basic knowledge of the whole house/flat-buying process was this:
1) Find house you want and tell estate agent you want it
2) Go to bank and get mortgage
Will say straight up, that step two is horrendously over-simplified there. But first with step one, because that's not anywhere near as easy as I thought it would be either.
First off, I'm looking for a place in Cambridge, where house prices it turns out are brutally expensive. You can either live in a somewhat expensive place in the Fens somewhere, a fairly expensive place right out on the edge of the city, or a really expensive place some useful distance from the city centre and train station.
Secondly, the market moves stupidly quickly. The first place I viewed went up on Rightmove on a Thursday. I phoned, asked for a viewing on Saturday morning. I viewed it, and then I umm'd and ahhh'd a bit over it. Because it was nice, but I kind of figured if the place was really the right place I'd fall in love with it. But then it was nice... but then it was the first place I'd viewed... but then oh never mind because on Monday I was phoned and told that someone else had already bid the asking price. Literally about half a week after I'd first seen the property on a website that I was checking on a twice-daily basis. Fuck.
So I went to see another place, and it sucked. And then another place, and it was amazing. It had the ~falling in love~ aspect that I was worried I hadn't got from the first place I saw. It was a nice size, really good location (near the train station and a leisure complex and two supermarkets), and financially really good.
The place is actually shared ownership, meaning that I buy a percentage of the property from the company that built and owns the complex, and I pay a chunk of rent on the percentage I don't own. In some instances that rent is actually pretty substantial. In this instance, it's a rate of about 2.5% per year of the value - in comparison to the 4% I'd be losing in interest on a mortgage if I was having to buy the whole thing. And I only need to afford a mortage on something that's about £80k rather than £180k.
I was viewing about 7 flats, with at the very least about 15 people viewing them that morning. And out of those 7 one of them (in my opinion) was clearly the best one, so I panic-phoned the estate agent to try and reserve it.
"Yeah sure, just come and fill in a reservation form and give us a cheque for £250"
"A cheque... it can't be cash or card?"
"Sorry, it has to be a cheque"
Literally stumbling block number one. Not one that I'd expect a lot of people might have, but the last time I used a cheque was over two years ago, and I didn't even have a chequebook for my current account, so this involved some scrambling around to find an old one and actually put money into the account that it was for.
So then I go, and I'm all prepped up to fill this form in and get the place reserved. But the questions on the form are really hard. Questions like:
"Please list the name and address of your solicitor"
"Please list the details for your mortgage providor"
"Please provide copies of your three most recent payslips"
Well fuck. Two of those I've not even properly looked into yet, and the other one sure but it's not something I bloody carry around with me (I actually leave them at work because I figure I'm less likely to lose them there).
I'm told it's OK and I can just leave those bits blank and come back to them later (so like school exams then...?) and that I had the property reserved (FIRST VICTORY!). Though at this point I've gone from not even having found a place at 10am that morning, to suddenly NEED MORTGAGE NOW and NEED SOLICITORS NOW and things have gotten very real. And a lot of paperwork to be required. Lots of paperwork.
Will say at this point that mortgages I kind of had a feel for. Because I'd expected I was going to need one (like seriously, you can't even buy a parking garage in Cambridge for much less than £15,000, let alone a place to actually live). And whilst I knew from having heard that I was going to need solicitors, I still had very little idea what solicitors actually did and why I apparently definitely needed them. But I've since learnt that apparently they do most of the weird magic stuff in the ???? part 3 of my current 4 step plan. And they will charge about the same as you'd expect real fucking fairies and unicorns to cost to do it too.
1AM SO NOW TIME FOR MILD CLIFF HANGER AND WILL BE RESUMED IN PART II NEXT TIME